Chapter 9 · A family's dilemma

One of my favorite stories to help families understand addiction has become that of the Lion and its Family. The lion represents the child or loved one struggling with addiction or behavioral issues. It is no surprise that the family in the story faces some challenges related to living with, and loving their lion.

This story helps me touch on the different ways in which the parents and family members involved might act, or react, to having a lion (addicted child or loved one) living in their home or family system.

The Lion and its Family story begins with a regular family, like yours or mine, that consists of a mother, a father and two children. With summer vacation approaching, the parents think it would be a good time for the kids to learn how to take care of a pet. When they bring up the idea at dinner, the kids are overjoyed. With a little bit of discussion, and some big-eyed pleading from the kids, the decision is made to adopt a cat.

On Saturday afternoon, the family drives to the animal shelter. They have a wide selection of kittens for the family to consider, but the children quickly find the one they want. "Mommy, Daddy, over here!" At the end of a long row of cages, there is an adorable kitten that has clearly stolen the hearts of the children. It looks like a kitten, it's lovable and playful like a kitten, but this is clearly not your average house cat.

Nevertheless, the family adopts this kitten, falls in love with him, and names him Fluffy. With Fluffy in his cage mewing his approval, they drive home to start embracing this newest member of their family.

For the next few weeks, everything is about Fluffy. The house routine changes to accommodate the new family member. The children have identified their duties, and the parents theirs. Fluffy has learned the lay of the land and is settling in. He understands that he now shares this space and he has people that love him. Fluffy has found a home, and he is grateful.

There are stories told, pictures posted, and timelines shared with friends about Fluffy's adventures in the house. In the beginning, everything seems normal and there are many wonderful moments shared with the newest little member of the family. As the weeks become months, the family documents his rapid growth and shares with the world how big he is getting.

As people see the new photos and stories online, they start to comment that Fluffy is not a house cat - he is in fact a lion cub - and warn that the family could be in danger.

There is a family meeting, and the parents discuss the dangers and concerns of having a lion in their home. Together, they decide that they will raise Fluffy like a house cat and love this lion so much that he will love them back, and will learn to behave like a house cat.

The parents assure everyone that Fluffy is truly a house cat, and that with all the love he is receiving and how he is being raised, everything will be fine. Despite the concerns of some people outside of the family, Fluffy and his family grow closer. The people who do not approve of Fluffy are not coming around much anymore. For their part, the family begins to choose carefully what they share about their situation at home, and who they share it with.

Fluffy continues to grow. He loves bringing gifts to his family, and has recently started to bring home dead animals, leaving them on the back porch. His claws have started to come in now, and without any malicious intent, he has damaged some of the furniture and other things in the house beyond repair.

It is becoming clear to everyone in the family that even with his efforts to behave like a house cat, and as much as they love him, Fluffy is a handful.

Fluffy doesn't understand when his family gets angry, but when they do, he feels like he has let them down somehow, and so he tries to act more like a house cat to make them happy. Fluffy loves his home and family, and he tries hard to behave, but his playful nature is increasingly getting him into trouble as he grows bigger.

Fluffy becomes a full-grown adult lion. He is living in the house with his family of teenage children and their parents, and has easily become the biggest and strongest member of the family.

Over the years, the family has gotten used to the issues that come with having a full-grown lion living in the house. They have put locks on their doors to prevent Fluffy from coming into their rooms at night and lying in bed with them, because it has become too dangerous due to his size and his claws. They now have hardwood furniture, so that Fluffy can claw and chew on it without destroying it immediately. They have a room set aside for him to go to the bathroom in, because they are embarrassed about what the neighbors would say if they saw him outside.

The family has to feed him large quantities of meat in the house, because if they do not, he might get outside and start hunting around the neighborhood. This would of course put anyone he came into contact with at risk, and the family would feel responsible.

The family makes many incremental adjustments over the years to accommodate the belief that they can love and raise a lion like it is a house cat. But eventually they realize that it's not working. They need help.

The family has a meeting to discuss what to do. It is decided that Fluffy can no longer live at the house because he is too dangerous. They all agree that he really needs to live in a zoo, and that they will go visit him there.

Fluffy, of course, feels abandoned and discarded. Sometimes he feels angry. Other times he feels like it was his fault, and feels guilty and shameful that he was not able to "behave."

Placed in a zoo, Fluffy is now living in a foreign situation without any of the skills that a lion should have. He does not know how to behave around other lions or care for himself there. He still thinks that he is a housecat and he just wants to have his family back and to try one more time to "behave" like one. Unfortunately, his life will be full of struggle and confusion until he is able to acclimate to his new life as an adult lion.

The family convinced themselves that together they could love and train a new behavior into their lion. Instead, they were left feeling guilty and responsible for the struggles that Fluffy is going through. They have an overwhelming feeling that they should have tried harder, that they could have done something different, to help Fluffy become the house cat that they had hoped for.

The delusion is over for this family. The reality of the situation needs to be seen for what it is. The family has abandoned all hope of "fixing" Fluffy and helping him behave more like a house cat.

But there must have been a way for the family to keep Fluffy, right? Yes, of course there was. First, they would have needed to accept that he was a lion! After that, they would have needed to learn how to care for him, and love him accordingly. This would have helped them avoid the frustration of constantly failing to get him to behave like a house cat.

Learning how to love a lion involves acceptance. The biggest mistake made in this story was the failure to accept the reality that Fluffy was a lion and needed to be loved accordingly. The family gave up in the end because their attempts to change him had failed. If they had been able to come to terms with the lion's nature, they could have adjusted the way they loved and cared for him. With this shift in thinking, they could have kept Fluffy in the family.

Many families are struggling with an active addict or alcoholic who is still living at home, and they may be incapable of seeing them for who they really are or what they have become. This confusion is fed by the hope that their loved one can change on their own. They hope that the next attempt to help them will work, that the next promise will be kept, that their lion will start to behave more like a house cat, that they will not have to tell them to leave, and that the problem can be addressed without going outside of the family for help.

There is nothing wrong with being a lion. I was a lion from the day I was born, but I looked just like all the other house cats, and because of this, the people around me expected me to behave like one. I believed that I was one, but as I grew up it became obvious that I was no ordinary house cat, and that like Fluffy, I was also becoming unintentionally dangerous to the people closest to me.

My family struggled with the idea that I may, or may not, be a lion and so did I. I tried to change in order to make our lives easier, but with little success. I had an untreated illness preventing me from making the changes that I really needed to make. The best I could do was pretend that I was a house cat around people and out in public, until I couldn't even do that anymore.

As a lion, I am quite capable, now that I have learned how to adapt and to use my skills more effectively in this world. My recovery has helped me to accept my nature, and make the necessary adjustments to use it in a much healthier way. My family and I no longer live in denial about who or what I am. My skills as a lion allow me greater insight into addiction, they help me relate to other lions and explain the behaviors of a lion when I am helping families.

I know it can be very confusing for families to determine whether they love a misbehaving house cat or an actual lion.

Accepting that you might have a lion is the first step. Reaching out to professionals to learn how to support and love one is the second step. My work with families usually begins around that second step, and together we are often able to address the situation once we find clarity and acceptance together.